...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
