i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
