worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
