Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
