dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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