my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
