i'm signing you up for texting rehab
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Randomize
