I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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