please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
