awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
