I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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