Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
