i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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