So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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