i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
