I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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