Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize