my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Randomize
