please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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