My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
