she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
