The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
apparently the secret to your success is patron
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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