I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Welp...herpes.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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