If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
