If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
