11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
