There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
