am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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