youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
