im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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