So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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