I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
