when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
