The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
