yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
