he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
