she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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