I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
