apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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