We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
