bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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