sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
