I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
