he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
