Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
