so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
