I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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