If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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