If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
