I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
