conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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