I think I died a long time ago.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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