True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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