i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
