I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
