so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
