1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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