You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
