I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Green mimosas i think yes
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
How does it feel to date your dad?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
