nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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