I wish I could punch you in the face.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
