I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Mom said you looked used
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
