Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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